Ritual Ideas to Heal a Termination of Pregnancy

Dear Life-Givers,

When we transform from the archetype of the maiden into the archetype of the mother, we inevitably come face to face with the overwhelming power and responsibility of choosing what lives.

Being the nurturer of life does not only come with nourishing the hungry mouths before us or wiping tears away of children who have fallen down. No, being a life-giver means needing to face our limitations as carers. We are not all-loving, and ever-giving. We are very much limited humans, with limited energy, capacity and resources.

This knowledge becomes brutally clear when we must make the difficult choice of ending a pregnancy. This choice is wrought with paradoxes relating to what we know is best for our family and community and what we wish we could offer so fervently to the life we choose to end.

The process of grieving this type of loss is unique, so I wanted to compile a list of ways one may go about processing, and moving through the choice and loss that comes from a termination of pregnancy.

I want to acknowledge there are those folks who prefer staying detached from the fetus, while there are some that wish to personify the life and call the being a baby. I wanted to respect both preferences and to avoid triggering folks, I have separated the healing rituals into two categories. Choose which ever one you prefer or you can feel free to read both.

I will also say that this list is just to provide some inspiration. It is based on the idea that ritual is helpful in grieving which is evident in all cultures, but was taught to me formally by the Institute of Birth Breath and Death. What I have also learned from Gena McCarthy as a perinatal Ceremonialist, is that using the elements in our rituals can make them more powerful, so you will see this as a theme below. I invite you to notice which element speaks to you the most.

Be gentle with yourself as you read this because while some options may speak to one person, they may trigger another. the important thing is for you to find what you are craving.

For those who prefer to remain detached:

1) It may be helpful to plant new life right before the end of the pregnancy or right after. This can be helpful in representing the shift of energy from within your womb into somewhere else in the world.

2) Lighting a candle and letting it burn through with the intention of the candle representing the fading energy, or life of the fetus. Perhaps sharing wishes, prayers, to the fetus while the candle burns.

3) Using smoke or song to send your hopes and dreams for the future into the wind.

4) Honoring yourself as an adult human making a difficult decision by gifting yourself a token of making it through the initiation of maidenhood into motherhood. For example, a ring to remind you of the strength it takes to care for all your family's needs even when it hurts.

5) Dancing to music that speaks to you the night before the procedure, and a few days after when you feel up for it-just moving whatever emotions need to move through you.

For those seeking more connection to the baby as a person:

1) Seeing an energy healer to support the process of saying goodbye.

2) Giving the baby a name, perhaps making them a small album or framing a photograph of a sonagram with a candle near it to light when needed.

3) Asking for ashes of the baby and bringing them home.

4) Making an album of your pregnancy mementos.

5) Speaking to and praying to the soul of your baby after they have passed on.

6) Keeping in communication with the baby and explaining your decision.

7) Getting a beautiful bouquet of articifial handcrafted flowers that will never die, just like your love will never die.

8) Giving life to something else-such as offering nest building materials to birds in your yard, or donating money to a tree planting charity...

This is just a beginning, but really, the medicine is right there in you. Hopefully this list allows your to trace what YOUR unique path to healing looks like.

For now, I wish you to remember that it is an honor to live by your side. You are a fierce mother, protector of community, family and love. You have been given the great power of making this decision because you are the one most suited for it; because you are doing it out of love for your community and family. It is never a simple decision, but as a mother you carry all the aspects of it. That is some badass shit. I am so proud to live alongside you, and I hope you trust yourself as much as I trust you.